a reflection after hearing a 9 year old girl in the hospice shared her story during one of my visit.
how would you take it if one day you found out you have cancer? will you live your life the same as how you live it now? Will you take it as a blessing or as a misery? We will have mixed emotions. some of us may take it positively and others may take it the other way. Yet however which way we choose to accept it – we will end up to a point of probability…
of dying at a certain point when we think we want to give more to life. of suffering in moments when we think it’s the best time to be happy. of experiencing pain when we know too well we don’t deserve it. whatever our situation may be – CANCER will always be there. It will not choose its prey. and we have the possibilities of getting it.
i am not an excuse to it.i don’t know why but maybe its another road to track, another cross to bare.i don’t know what to do at first — so i kept it from the people i love afraid that their pain might cause me more misery…i embrace my cross alone with my God.Everyday asking him to give me one more day to live and do what i should do. i went on with my job without anyone knowing. my weight fluctuates time and again but i would pray for miracles – that the people i love will not see a trace of pain. I get on with my life. I enjoyed the little things- i know my time won’t be long.and i’ll be gone but i only wish for grace that’ll sustain me in those last hours of my agony but at the moment i would want to do the best out of my life as long as i live.
i know when the time comes the ’self help’ books could do nothing to change my destiny. A miracle perhaps can – if i’ll still have another chance. it’s not easy to have CANCER – it is never a joke and no matter how strong you are, the pain is there killing you softly. i want to be brave for myself – for the people i love but i know i can’t do it alone now that i felt the cancer grows more and more everyday. that my body will soon give up because it will not accept the medicines. and maybe i will not be hearing the voices of the people i love. or see the beauty of the world…
God knows what will happen. and yes, flashbacks of memories of days when i was a little girl growing into someone everyone would love. and reflecting back in my life (of which i would leave in few a moments) i know i am bless. it may not be financial blessings but more to it…the presence of people i wanted to be there in the last hours of my life. of people i never expected to be there with me in the pains and sufferings. i am bless of those who have hurt me a thousand times because they thought i am strong. i am bless because i have risk and taken my chances in the confusions of life…i am bless because i have a family…i am bless and more because i have my God. No one compares to Him – - He alone has given me the grace and the peace I always wish for. and though i walk in the valley of the shadow of death i will fear no evil for my God will be with me.
Today, maybe the last day of my life — I will not waste it to ponder over things i cannot control but rather on things i know i can make a difference. things which i’ve thought lost but today i will celebrate and be merry who knows what happens tomorrow but today i will rejoice. CANCER may kill me physically but it will never take my love for my family, friends. it’ll never take hope or peace…it will never win over anything.and with these i will take a step and live until my last breathe.
